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  • Writer's pictureRachael Elizabeth Jones

An Open Letter to My First Love




Dear you,


You and I were kids when we fell in love


but


now we're too old to know better


it's been 3 years since I left you in the bleak parking lot in Texas and gave you myself one last time...


I've consistently let you go, but now it's time for you to let me go


We always carry parts of those who we have loved with us,


like crimson maroon merlot on a brand new white dress...


Do you rememeber the night at my college apartment? You knew exactly how to touch me and make me feel like I was yours....


the multiple steamy, intimate showers....the touch.....the cravings


all of it is just memories now...


Flasback to when I first fell in love with you... I was full of anxiety and lost all control when I loved you, being with you brought out my own toxic traits not even I can hide from, I wanted you to be somene you weren't and I should've not tried to have so much control


the control only suffocated you


I loved you so much I sacrificed my own morals just to try to get you back


I was cruel,


my words hit you like daggers,


I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me and that was wrong


every part of me has changed and you still treat me as ghastly as you did when we were 17


you're the same boy I loved nine years ago who can't love me the way I deserve..


you always will be,


but I am not that fragile, ingenuous girl I once was


I don't look back with regret,


you helped me become who I am today and part of me will always love you for that...


but I am not IN love with you anymore


You're a rollercoaster and I haven't wanted to ride in years...


Things have felt finished for 3 years now and you know that


Let me continue to flourish without you... we both know I am better off that way


You walked away from me first and I have walked away from you many times now...


They say you're free of the pain when you tell it....


This chapter in my life is over and the book is closed....


It would be mendacious if I didn't say it was fun to remember being a kid with you


thinking we'd be together forever because we just happended to get it right the first time


you ruined us with adultry,


I stayed loyal to you for way too long after you chose to lay with another woman


I remember her name and the way you played the A game with a freshman when you were a senior


You older, her younger


tourted you were and tourted you still are


the cigarettes


meeting behind closed doors


being a secret to each other in ways only we knew


betraying her just to be tangled in the sheets with me


the way you tasted like cigarettes and sorrow


For years, I would find myself back in your bed and we would catch up like we talked yesterday


to now


being in the same town and not answering your calls


You will always be a story I reread once a year


Old habits die screaming, don't they old friend?


You know we're no good for each other


We're different people in a lot of ways and that's a good thing


You too know it will never be what it was all those years ago


Our connection has become flowers that never see the daylight,

haven't seen water in years, and could crumble with one faint touch..


You know we're no good for each other


I've only got well wishes for you, but I don't need you and you don't need me...


old habits die screaming


you were always easy to fall back into, but so prenicious


I wish you nothing, but the best truly, I hope you're okay, but it's your turn to let me go...


Stop reaching out. Stop trying to get me to look your way.


I don't wanna endure the pain that loving you comes with.


We're a letter that has already been written


The quill pen won't write anymore,


but I keep the letter in my bedside table


a reminder of what it was like to love you


You never forget your first...


all my love old friend


xoxo,

your first love


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